Forewarning: This is the longest post I have ever written on this blog.
************************************************************************
Prior to walking down the aisle, I wanted to lose weight. Twenty-five to thirty pounds was my aim. I only shred ten. Maybe it was fifteen? Whichever it was, it wasn’t enough in my mind. But it was something; and something is better nothing. I told myself that I would have to lose an additional 25 pounds prior to becoming pregnant. I thought that if I put that number “out there”, thereby making it a goal that I would have to achieve before “allowing” myself to become pregnant, that I would achieve it in no time at all. I knew that if I packed on additional pounds on top of the weight that I was currently at post-wedding, that the weight would override the blissfulness of pregnancy.
I thought that I would have had time to lose those 25 pounds. But we conceived Ilah just two weeks after returning from our honeymoon. Yes, seriously. The best man at our wedding joked that my husband sure was a sharp shooter. Clearly!
I always had a hunch that I would have a hard time losing my pregnancy weight. And just as I predicted, that’s been the case. I gained 30 pounds while pregnant with Ilah and it would have been more if I hadn’t been so terribly sick throughout my pregnancy . I could hardly keep anything down for months. Not gaining excessive weight was the only upside to being so terribly sick – but I made up for lost time after Ilah came; my taste buds were back and I was just happy that what I was putting in my mouth was actually staying down.
And now…one year later…I am only down 10 of those 30 pounds. Not at all where I wanted to be.
I could throw out a slew of “excuses” for why my weight hasn’t come off….my age, genetics, no time for exercise when you’re caring for a baby all day, etc. But the truth of the matter is that I haven’t put 100% into doing what I need to do to achieve my weight loss goal. I have had so many starts and stops – I’ve disappointed myself terribly.
When Ilah was a fresh newborn, losing weight wasn’t even on my radar. I wanted to relish in my new-mommy bliss and I didn’t pressure myself one bit to return to my pre-pregnancy weight asap. My focus was on my beautiful newborn daughter – losing weight could wait. I didn’t want to forgo time with my baby in order to exercise. That was just my prerogative.
When Ilah was around 4/5 months old, the urge to start losing weight kicked in. I semi-tried. So naturally, I fully failed. Repeat this same half-hearted attempt for month 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11. And you have the same outcome. No success in weight loss.
Some women can drop {and have dropped} their pregnancy weight in what seems like zero-point-five-seconds. I am just not one of those lucky ones. When I see women in the store with their newborns, and they look awesome, it makes me feel so bad about myself. I mean, obviously they took care of themselves to begin with {or maybe they just have good genes? Because I have known some very thin women who eat terrible and don't even gain a pound!}; how they bounced back so fast just amazes me. My pregnancy weight has stuck on to me for dear life and won’t let go!
Let me just throw this out there that I don’t look at celeb’s who have had a baby and feel pressure to rebound like they do, as quickly as they do. They are surrounded by trainers, personal chefs, nannies and whatnot. Clearly I am not on their same playing field. But an entire year later…an entire year…and I still haven’t lost the baby weight?
In the summer I took Ilah out for walks near our neighborhood but I just couldn’t {or didn’t} keep up the routine of doing it every day. Then summer flew by and we entered into a cold season literally from one day to the next - which is where we’re at now. And strolling Ilah out in 40 degree weather is just not something that I will do. A gym membership? No on the extra monthly expense. Workout videos at home? I have them but I am just sooo tired and drained in the morning, and in the evening, to do them. And when Ilah is napping during the day {which is now just 1 nap a day}, I utilize that time to have lunch and get some things done around the house without little hands pulling on me. Yes, I suppose these are more excuses creeping in.
On one hand I think to myself, “Thank God that I didn’t gain more than the 30 pounds that I did” but that doesn’t at all mean that I am comfortable within my skin being 30 pounds {well, 20 pounds} heavier. I am not at all used to being this weight and this size. I look back at photos of myself and I desperately want to get back to the weight I once was. It’s been quite a long time since I looked at myself in the mirror and liked what I saw. I could care less about the few stretch marks on my belly, the cellulite that’s “here and there”, or having that “pooch” in my mid-section. I don’t even mind the saggy boobs that I acquired after pregnancy. It is what it is. The back fat, the side rolls, the growing double chin, and the post-pregnancy belly – it would take plastic surgery to take all of those things entirely away…I can live with flaws – but I don’t want to have to live with them on such a “large” scale. Imperfections are something that we all have and I am by no means vain. I just want to be a healthier {and in-turn, a happier} me.
Because right now. I’m not happy. And some days I project it. When I feel bad about how I look, it causes terrible mood-swings and makes me want to stay inside and not go out of my house. It has kept me from taking pictures with my daughter {which I have grown to regret}, and posting even more pictures of myself on this blog. I have not at all embraced my new size, nor do I find myself comfortable in my skin.
I have written out my weight loss goal I don’t know how many times. When I was on my kick to lose weight I ordered books on nutrition and weight loss, and purchased work out dvd’s to do at home. I cooked healthy meals, avoided fast food, cut out sugar, did a cleanse, and was eating small portions of food throughout the day in order to boost my metabolism. I have done all this just to return to all of my unhealthy ways weeks later {usually when “that time of the month” comes}.
Although I wish it would, my body is not going to get in gear {and stay in gear} on its own. I don’t mind fat. Our bodies can’t be made up of all muscles. But less fat would make me so much happier. I know what I’ve been doing wrong {eating terribly, succumbing to cravings, eating large portions, giving in to sweets, eating out of boredom, eating late at night}… I always have had a love affair with food. As in…I seriously have a passion for good eating. Ask me what I love to do and I will tell you it’s eating a divine meal!
Although I need to lose 20 pounds in order to be back at my pre-pregnancy weight, I ideally need to lose 45 pounds. I have never in my life had to lose this much weight. In the past, if I ever gained 10 pounds, I’d be able to lose it just as quickly as I put it on. Those days are over. My body is not in its 20’s anymore and losing weight has become so much harder. So much harder.
I know that outward appearance doesn’t define someone. I know that beauty is only skin deep. I remember the messages in all of those after school specials. But I just want to be the old me again. I care not to fit into mannequin size clothing – just to be back in a size 10 would feel so good.
Speaking of sizes….shopping for clothes? I dread it. Not only looking at myself in the mirror but just looking at the size that I have to buy makes me cringe. Most times I put the clothes back on the rack and leave the store empty handed vowing right then and there that I’m going to lose weight. Then I return home to my drab wardrobe and then complain that I have nothing to wear, which in turn only makes me feel worse about myself - and being in clothes. Just ask my husband who has to endure my “freak out” sessions.
I dreaded writing this post because writing all this out only makes me hold up the mirror in front of myself all the more. But I wrote it because I want my own words to propel me towards doing something for myself– and I also want to be relatable. While many women can bounce back beautifully after having a baby, some don’t – and I’m among those who haven’t.
Since becoming a mother, I’ve become a new me in so many ways. But to regain just a bit of myself, in the physical sense, is something that I’m longing for.
0 comments:
Post a Comment